whirlwind of emotion

Loosing yourself in a fallen world is not the least bit fun once you have realized you truly are lost. Not knowing how you got to be in the place your standing is disorientating and disheartening. Especially if you have been found or discovered by God and yourself and have walked in that confidence and esteem previously.

Last year and a big part of this year have proven to be that of weakness and defeat. I sit here, in California, writing after a long period of silence on this blog. I have almost 60 days sober from alcohol. I am in the middle of a 4th step in Alcoholics Anonymous. I am just beginning to once again, read my bible. I ended a relationship with someone that I love and care about, in hopes of finding myself  and figuring out what I want and more what God would have of me. I have a lot of confusion and disdain towards “organized” religion and the church. I can not differentiate the true from the false. I sit here with God and I am fighting for my life.

Giving up on life, and giving into temptation and desire at first appears feasible. Especially when life has gotten HARD and depression has a hold. For me, as a human and also an alcoholic, that was the most appealing place to turn. Alcohol offered escape from my mind and the awareness of the walking contradiction I had become and the hypocrite I had always been.

When the perfection of living a religious life faded, the pain rose to the surface. I had thought once saved, you truly are a new creation, and your old man is GONE never to return. So when my old (wo)man showed up on the scene of my life and caused some wreckage and pain, I was devastated. I was asked to enter into church discipline for choices I had made and secrets I confessed, and the harm I had caused as a result. I began to DOUBT God then and there, in the midst of MY defects.
Giving into my flesh, guilt, shame, rejection, hurt, denial, church discipline, public confession, segregation, alcoholism, sex, depression, death, insanity and ultimately a feeling of separation from God and an emptiness indescribable. This was the last year and a half.

When Sandy died in my house (see previous blog), what I saw in that was myself. I was able to give her a safe place to pass away and she gave me a look at how my life could turn out,  if I did not start living honestly and for other people. Not people pleasing, but people serving.

BUT at this point, I was drinking. I had reached out for help and the response I received was, “maybe this is God humbling you more. I am not worried about you Jenn, God has his hand on your life.” Spoken freely from someone who did not understand alcoholism or addiction. I tried to stop, but kept going out.

What i want to express is that, in the midst of these things, GOD did NOT stop loving me. although the church no longer appeared emotionally safe ( my perception!), God sent people into my life who encouraged me and helped me not give up. Ironically a lot of these people were the ones I had previously judged or tried to convert. They were the ones who told me, “JENN, God loves ALL of you, for you, you don’t have to pretend to be someone your not, GOD doesn’t care. He is not trying to punish you or inflict pain in your life, God just LOVES you. PERIOD.”  I have a friend Lechelle, who in the midst of our talks and drinking, she SHARED with me the love of Christ. She opened her heart to me and poured out GODS love and prayed for me!! A girl I had assumed was NOT “saved” because her lifestyle choices. She proved to be one of the most selfless loving girls I have ever met.

That was the most humbling for me. Seeing people I had judged, gossiped about to other church folk, “prayed” for and assumed to know their heart, these people reached out to me and LOVED me. They stayed my friend and encouraged me. Regardless of the walking contradiction I was or the hypocrite I had always been. They taught me that we ALL are and that GODs love is bigger than us. I now understood why Jesus walked amongst “sinners.”

So all this to say, here I am.

My heart misses genuine talks about Jesus with other people. My heart misses prayer and worship and fellowship with other believers, that I have been afraid to do as I do not want to be religious ever again. God has brought me back to the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous, and HE has walked me inside and turned me over to His people who understand and are able to help nurse me back to life. I am slowly returning to reading the bible and asking God for direction. I still am not comfortable at “church” and have instead  discovered that my church is in meetings. I watch the most courageous people stand up and be honest about their struggles, feelings and hope. A hope they all profess a power greater than themselves has given.

I do believe that power comes from God. I believe Jesus is God in the form of a man and He died for our sin/defects/imperfections that we may KNOW peace. For myself, a relationship with Him has proven to be the only measure of real peace I can know. That relationship looks like sobriety, fellowship, worshipping, accountability and love. NOT from my understanding, but from HIS. I believe God speaks to us through HIS creation. Through each other, through animals, through the stars through simple things and big things. I don’t believe the bible is the ONLY inspired word of God. As I read the Alcoholics Anonymous book, I see Gods finger prints all over those pages. I think God moves in ways we will NEVER fully understand.

I seek to know. I hope I never stop seeking to know. I hope I don’t return to judgment or assumption but that I strive to do Gods will and not my own.

I feel like a yo yo at this time in my life. With that i mean UP and DOWN and UP and DOWN. BUT with the love of God through my family, close friends, AA, my sponsor, my co workers and random strangers, I am finding hope again. He WONT give up and He wont let go.