whirlwind of emotion

Loosing yourself in a fallen world is not the least bit fun once you have realized you truly are lost. Not knowing how you got to be in the place your standing is disorientating and disheartening. Especially if you have been found or discovered by God and yourself and have walked in that confidence and esteem previously.

Last year and a big part of this year have proven to be that of weakness and defeat. I sit here, in California, writing after a long period of silence on this blog. I have almost 60 days sober from alcohol. I am in the middle of a 4th step in Alcoholics Anonymous. I am just beginning to once again, read my bible. I ended a relationship with someone that I love and care about, in hopes of finding myself  and figuring out what I want and more what God would have of me. I have a lot of confusion and disdain towards “organized” religion and the church. I can not differentiate the true from the false. I sit here with God and I am fighting for my life.

Giving up on life, and giving into temptation and desire at first appears feasible. Especially when life has gotten HARD and depression has a hold. For me, as a human and also an alcoholic, that was the most appealing place to turn. Alcohol offered escape from my mind and the awareness of the walking contradiction I had become and the hypocrite I had always been.

When the perfection of living a religious life faded, the pain rose to the surface. I had thought once saved, you truly are a new creation, and your old man is GONE never to return. So when my old (wo)man showed up on the scene of my life and caused some wreckage and pain, I was devastated. I was asked to enter into church discipline for choices I had made and secrets I confessed, and the harm I had caused as a result. I began to DOUBT God then and there, in the midst of MY defects.
Giving into my flesh, guilt, shame, rejection, hurt, denial, church discipline, public confession, segregation, alcoholism, sex, depression, death, insanity and ultimately a feeling of separation from God and an emptiness indescribable. This was the last year and a half.

When Sandy died in my house (see previous blog), what I saw in that was myself. I was able to give her a safe place to pass away and she gave me a look at how my life could turn out,  if I did not start living honestly and for other people. Not people pleasing, but people serving.

BUT at this point, I was drinking. I had reached out for help and the response I received was, “maybe this is God humbling you more. I am not worried about you Jenn, God has his hand on your life.” Spoken freely from someone who did not understand alcoholism or addiction. I tried to stop, but kept going out.

What i want to express is that, in the midst of these things, GOD did NOT stop loving me. although the church no longer appeared emotionally safe ( my perception!), God sent people into my life who encouraged me and helped me not give up. Ironically a lot of these people were the ones I had previously judged or tried to convert. They were the ones who told me, “JENN, God loves ALL of you, for you, you don’t have to pretend to be someone your not, GOD doesn’t care. He is not trying to punish you or inflict pain in your life, God just LOVES you. PERIOD.”  I have a friend Lechelle, who in the midst of our talks and drinking, she SHARED with me the love of Christ. She opened her heart to me and poured out GODS love and prayed for me!! A girl I had assumed was NOT “saved” because her lifestyle choices. She proved to be one of the most selfless loving girls I have ever met.

That was the most humbling for me. Seeing people I had judged, gossiped about to other church folk, “prayed” for and assumed to know their heart, these people reached out to me and LOVED me. They stayed my friend and encouraged me. Regardless of the walking contradiction I was or the hypocrite I had always been. They taught me that we ALL are and that GODs love is bigger than us. I now understood why Jesus walked amongst “sinners.”

So all this to say, here I am.

My heart misses genuine talks about Jesus with other people. My heart misses prayer and worship and fellowship with other believers, that I have been afraid to do as I do not want to be religious ever again. God has brought me back to the doors of Alcoholics Anonymous, and HE has walked me inside and turned me over to His people who understand and are able to help nurse me back to life. I am slowly returning to reading the bible and asking God for direction. I still am not comfortable at “church” and have instead  discovered that my church is in meetings. I watch the most courageous people stand up and be honest about their struggles, feelings and hope. A hope they all profess a power greater than themselves has given.

I do believe that power comes from God. I believe Jesus is God in the form of a man and He died for our sin/defects/imperfections that we may KNOW peace. For myself, a relationship with Him has proven to be the only measure of real peace I can know. That relationship looks like sobriety, fellowship, worshipping, accountability and love. NOT from my understanding, but from HIS. I believe God speaks to us through HIS creation. Through each other, through animals, through the stars through simple things and big things. I don’t believe the bible is the ONLY inspired word of God. As I read the Alcoholics Anonymous book, I see Gods finger prints all over those pages. I think God moves in ways we will NEVER fully understand.

I seek to know. I hope I never stop seeking to know. I hope I don’t return to judgment or assumption but that I strive to do Gods will and not my own.

I feel like a yo yo at this time in my life. With that i mean UP and DOWN and UP and DOWN. BUT with the love of God through my family, close friends, AA, my sponsor, my co workers and random strangers, I am finding hope again. He WONT give up and He wont let go.

suprise

Something is happening in my heart…..

Through the pain, struggle and loneliness.

God is doing something in my heart…..

UNBELIEVABLE!!

Depression

There was a time I was so sure about everything. So sure about my purpose in this life. My purpose in Christ Jesus, my Lord and Savior. I was passionate about God. About His Word. About His children. About those lost in the lies of the world. I believed in His body. I trusted those who professed faith in Him.

Now, I sit here, unsure of everything. Im exhausted, and I don’t want to keep fighting the good fight. My spirit is crushed and my bones are dried up. I see in black and white. I don’t know where I belong in this world. I feel like a stranger in a foreign land. My sin has overtaken me. I feel awkward and out of place at church. I feel awkward and out of place in the world. I feel so alone. I wish so badly that I could curl up in Gods arms, and cry. Cry while He holds me and soothes my broken heart with His agape love. I know He knows. I know He is the only one who truly understands. I feel beyond broken inside.

I am so confused about so many things. I am hurt beyond recognition. To have someone understand, or even care enough to even try to understand…. I wish.

But this is it. Right now. Darkness all around. Self inflicted hate, as I stare into nothing. I’ve lost trust in everything.

Everything but the hope I have in Jesus. God where do I go from here. I’m stuck in a cycle of insanity.

I wonder if this is how Sandee felt. Alone. Lost. like a loser and a failure incapable of anything but just that, losing and failing.

I will never be what I see around me. I don’t even know if I want to become what I see around me. Conformists, judging those who appear not to conform. Yet we ALL conform. To something.

What do you do when most of your life you have lived for yourself. Lived for your desires, your whims, your spontaneity, your FLESH. Then God changes EVERYTHING and nothing is the same. And You change…… only to discover your still the same.

I hate myself. Is this warfare?

God, please help me. Bring back YOUR peace. YOUR sanity. YOUR love. Don’t give up on me. Forgive me for my perversion. Forgive me for my hate and anger. Forgive me for judging others. For judging saints and judging sinners. Forgive me for my lustful heart and my unforgiving mind. Forgive me for caring about what others think over what you think. Forgive me for chosing my sin over your love and your life.  CLeanse me Lord of ALL unrighteousness. Cleanse me from ALL filth. Help me love people, like you love people. Help me not give up. protect me from myself. Protect me from the enemy. Help me desire to be obedient to YOU and Your word. Heal my mind. Lord Jesus, I pray for Your Spirit to teach my spirit, guide my spirit, change my heart, change my desires, instruct me in Your ways and help me not give up. I love you God with all my heart. You.

Sandee

My phone rang. It was Scott. I had not talked with him for  some time. I decided to ignore his call, as the day had been long and I was not feeling very social. It had been 4 days since my last drink and 4 days sense I had awoken from a nightmare. A nightmare where I was knowingly entangled in sin and unable to muster the strength to repent fully and turn back to my King. In that nightmare there were times of questioning my identity. Questioning my sanity. Questioning my salvation. Though I fell, I had not been cast headlong. For the Lord, in His LOVE upheld my hand.

Upon my ignoring of his call, Scott proceeded to text me, “call me now please.”  With out hesitation I called him. He explained to me that he was driving along and saw a women in the middle of the road. She was “on the opposite side of the road going in the same direction as me,” he told me later. He passed her, but the Holy Spirit yanked on his heart and whispered in his ear to go back and pick her up. In obedience, he turned around. He called me shortly after and then text me. He explained the situation to me and said she was very depressed and was talking about giving up. He asked if I would be willing to come meet with her and talk to her. Although she was an older woman (late 50’s) he felt uncomfortable as a man, being alone with her. I asked if she needed a safe place to stay for the night. He responded that he was probably going to take her to the womens shelter if possible. I told him I would talk to my roommate and call him back. I spoke with Jess.  Although obviously apprehensive and unnerved at the idea, she said it was ok if I brought her home and let her stay the night.  I had never met this women before in my life.

It just so happened my dear friend Kawena was coming over at the same time. Shortly after her arrival, I called Scott and told him Kawena and I would come pick the woman up. That she could stay at my home for the evening and have a safe place to rest and just be loved. Kawena came with me as to pick her up. We prayed for Gods words and that we would be His hands and feet that evening.

We walked into McDoanlds. The thick aroma of cooked french fries distracted me for a moment, as I looked around for Scott and Sandee. They were sitting in the back, at a table. We walked up. I embraced the women in my arms and asked if she was ok. I introduced myself,  I hugged Scott and then sat down.

We talked rather shallowly for a few minutes. awkwardness was clear. It was obvious this women was high. My guess was oxicottons or heroin, something of that nature. She nodded in and out of conversation. I told her that we wanted to take her to my house and share the love of God with her. That it was a safe place where she could go for the night. No explanation needed. I told her there was a time I needed help and God was faithful and that I wanted to share that same love that He had bestowed on me, to her.

“My receptors are saying yes,” she answered.

We walked to the car. I noticed the pills in her pocket. Ever so smoothly, I took them from her pocket and dropped them in my purse. I was afraid she would take more, and by the looks of it, she was not in need of more drugs. We said good night  to Scott, and left for my house.

Jess was in her room when we arrived to the house. I told her Sandee was safe and not to worry, that I would sleep in the living room with her for the night.

Kawena sat with her on the couch, talking with her as I got her a cup of water in the kitchen. When I came to the couch, I saw Sandee dump a bunch of pills into her hand (she had another bottle I had not seen). I told her I thought she had enough for the night. She replied that she needed her pain pill, and proceeded to take 2 pills. She placed the rest in the bottle. Kawena looked uneasy and unsure of what to do. I decided to distract Sandee, that I may take the pills and hide them. I asked her if I could get her a clean tee-shirt. She accepted, and as she changed in the bathroom I swiped the pills from her purse and hid them in my kitchen. Kawena told me she was leaving. I thanked her for coming with me, and higged her goodbye. Sandee came out of the bathroom and sat on the couch. Jess had made it up with clean sheets and pillows for her.

I came and sat down next to her. She told me she felt safe and that she thought I was an angel (I laughed to myself at the thought).  We began to talk. We began to share. She told tales of tragedy and despair. A life entangled in sin. Drug addiction, fornication, greed, idolatry  and the like. Although she did not believe in sin, her life proved otherwise, as she sat on my couch, in bondage to sins lethal consequences.  I began to share with her. I shared some of my own tales of pain, entanglement, sin. I shared with her my recent struggle with heart sin and then alcohol and how the want to just give up had overtaken me not even a week earlier. I then shared with her GODS faithfulness to show Himself to me,  and to remind me of the good news His words carry. I shared about being a sinner, separated from God because of  sin. I shared how God wants to reconcile us to himself through His son Jesus Christ. I explained the wages for sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ. That each one of us have this hole inside. We keep trying to fill it with these various things, drugs, alcohol, sex, food, work, 12 step programs, excercise, even religion. BUT those things fall right through us, leaving us just as empty and even more depressed. Only God can fill that hole, I shared. Only through Jesus Christ can we have forgiveness of our sins, and receive the gift of eternal life and power to overcome sin. That is where true peace resides. I shared that God LOVED her sooooooo much! I shared that I believed GOD wanted that for her. To be healed and set free from the chains of sin. To give her life, heart, mind, soul and soul to Jesus Christ and allow HIM to do the rest. I explained that is why HE sent us to her.

I asked her then if we could pray. She seemed excited at the offer, so i grabbed hold of her hands and closed my eyes. I asked her to lead us. She began. She began to pray. I heard her talk to Jesus. She talked about heaven and His power. She mumbled for a bit. She nodded off mid sentence. I began to pray. I begged God for deliverance. I prayed for her salvation. I prayed for myself. I asked the Lord to forgive me for having walked away. I thanked Him for this moment, and for Sandee. Then the strangest thing occurred. I began to sing. “Call upon the name of the Lord… and be.. saved… all you have to do is.. Call pon the name of the Lord and be saved…” I sang to her. I worshiped God, with Sandee. Although she sat nodded out, I sang. Simply and softly to her and to God. I sang.

She was asleep.  I covered her up and  went to lay down on the couch next to her. I could not sleep so I got up and came over to my computer and I wrote. This is what I wrote that evening:

She is tired and worn from a lifetime of entanglement. Twisted and mangled in sins lethal grasp, she sits hunched over, nodded out. Her desire is to ESCAPE. Escape from the pain, anguish, shame and guilt her actions have provided. With hollow eyes, she looks at me. She is hopeless and lost, desiring the ultimate enticing end, death. This again is one of the enemies worst lies, the lie that death is a painless escape from the harsh conditions of this world. The lie that if a person runs to drugs, alcohol, sex, greed, idolatry and the like, that in those things peace is attained.

And she sits, dying on my couch. I am powerless in my own strength, so I beg GOD for His!! If only a mere taste of the LOVE that Jesus Christ wants to give her, I pray to be used.

I listen to her slurred words. She tells stories of desperation, pain, hurt and heart ache. They pour out of her strained mouth, as the numbing effects of the hydro morphine impair her speech. She begins to speak and in the same instance her head falls down. The drugs take effect and she falls into a state of unconsciousness. Her desired state of mind.

I grab her hands and I pray. I ask God for deliverance. I beg God for healing and freedom from this bondage. I plead to God for her salvation. I close my eyes, my hands lightly holding hers, and I sing. I praise God.

Her name is Sandi. She is lost, as I was once. Not that long ago. Entangled in sin, dying.

Lord, heal this women. Wake her from her slumber. Give her hope. Make her new.

That is what I wrote at 1:00 am on Tuesday morning.

I went to bed to the sounds of Sandee snoring.

I woke up at 5:00am. Sandee was dead, in my living room, on my couch.

Listening to the Spirit

The air was warm and sweet, as I lay on the hood of my car. I love coming here to clear my head, and to dialogue with the Lord. Kealia look out has proven to be a sweet spot for solitude as well as divine moments of human connection. I was reflecting this evening on the past couple weeks of my life. I was rejoicing with God at the recent exposure of hidden sin,  which had entangled my life for the last few months.

So subtle in the beginning is our evil desires apart from Christ. When we give ourselves over to those temptations, we are then dragged away and enticed. After that desire has conceived it gives birth to sin and sin when it is full-grown, gives birth to death. And that’s how I had been feeling these last few months. Spiritually dead. Guilty and shameful. although my sin was mostly the condition of my heart , and thankfully had not manifested into outward actions, the effectiveness of sins lethal presence had been killing my relationship with Yahweh as I was resorting back to idol worship and lustful tendencies.

But God is faithful, and patient. He spoke into my life, and His Spirit within me had brought a thunder storm of conviction which finally brought me to my knees before my leadership in humility and surrender, and a desperation to rid myself of the secrets which had plagued my life. And thus resolution was brought, as I was led biblically into restoration (Praise the Lord for the church I was brought to, and the heart God has given to my pastor, to teach and train  baby sheep in the ways of righteousness!).

And what is the result of sincere honesty and genuine surrender? JOY! Joy in doing the things God has called me to. So the last couple weeks have been just that. In the midst of trial and loss and heartache, Yahweh has been filling me with JOY in being about His business. From learning about how to be a good steward of the life God has given me, ( financial management, being more organized, keeping my room and my car clean, setting a diet plan so I can eat healthier, using a day planner) to spending sweet time in fellowship and prayer with the family God has given me, esp. my elder sisters.  I have been in awe  at how much HE loves me, and how HE wants ALL of me. Mostly how HE has a plan and a purpose for my life, and how HIS desire is to bless me.

So with that, this evening I found myself daydreaming about Gods goodness on the hood of my car, while I watched the stars. Out of now where, a car pulls in slightly erratic and backs up a few  spaces away from me. I notice the light go on in the car, and I see a guy. He looks figity and tweaked out. He is messing with the light. I notice a little head in the back seat, and my heart drops when I realize it’s a little baby. The guy is smoking and drinking beer and blasting Tu-pac.

I sit up and I begin to pray. I ask God to protect the children, and I pray for this mans life. I hear God speak to me, ” I want you to share the Gospel with my son!”  I freeze. “Lord, I am alone in a dark parking lot. Its late at night, and this man is obviously on drugs, are you sure you want me to share with him?” Again, I hear God speak to me, ” I want you to share the Gospel with my son!” So what do I do?  I sit on my hood for another 10 minutes, praying and asking God is He is sure. Finally, I ask God for a sign. With out fail a Tu-pac song comes on and the chorus says, ” Gospel, the Gospel!”  I knew God was calling me to share with this man. SO I ask for the words and I open my mouth.

“whooooeee… Hey guy, whats your name!” I hear myself holler. He immediately turns, and walks over to me. I ask him his name again. He responds, ” I don’t really have a name.”  I say, ” My name is Jenn, whats yours. Everyone has a name, what is yours.” He tells me his name, Keonea. I proceeded to tell him that I was praying on my car to the Lord, and that He told me to share with him a few things. I then tell him what God had spoken to my heart for him. He looks at me for a moment, and then he begins to go off about how he used to be so close to Jesus, but that he had fallen away from his faith. He shares his story with me, one marked with chaos and dysfunction. I then share with him some parts of my testimony. I ask him if he knew what the gospel was. He excitedly answered the first four books of the new testament. I said yes those are the gospels, but do you know what the word gospel means. He was not sure. So I shared with him that it meant the GOOD NEWS. I asked Him if he knew what the good news was that God offers. That question led into the Holy Spirit sharing with him the gospel message. It was so BEAUTIFUL and VIVID in comparison to the darkness sin had him in bondage to. I watched him see it, and desire it. I found myself asking him if I could play a song for him. It was by Timothy Brindle,  a rap song on Psalm 51. I play it for him, and I see him drop his head in conviction and shame.

I shared with him the good news that God is FAITHFUL and MERCIFUL. That His heart is to restore us and redeem our lives. BUT that we can not have two masters. We are either slaves to sin, or slaves to righteousness. I encouraged him as a father, to turn from his sin, to repent and turn back to Jesus Christ and be an example to his kids and family. To allow Jesus to put His life back together, HIS way. Then God told me to give him my bible. So I grabbed my bible, and a zero flyer ( Zero is a young adults bible study led by my friend wes) and a track. I put the flyer and the track in the bible and gave it to him. Finally I asked if I could pray for him. After we prayed, we said goodnight and headed our own ways.

How REJUVINATING it is to be about my Fathers business. To act in His gifting. I was blessed this evening to step out in faith and share. I encourage you all to step out. If there is any hidden sin in your heart, or in your life, that you confess it and repent from it. Turn back to Yahweh and allow Him to forgive you and cleanse you. He is faithful to heal, restore and make new our messy lives!!

certainty was the backbone of a drastic decision, yet that certainty had no validity.

Validity, what is that

Certainty, what is that

Emotional is how I live, and often I find myself caged in my lack of perspective, caged in a moment. In an emotion.

What is it that allows the good days, days I am relaxed and breathing.

To just sit in Your love.

SO many questions inside. So many anxieties and fears.

I just want to breath. A real breath, a breath of freedom. My mind wanders to my most recent hurts.

This is not an unfamiliar feeling, hurt.

I struggle with failure and hate towards myself.

Yet a subtle contentment in the thought of freedom. Freedom in You.

 I don’t know how to be in that yet.

watching, waiting, anticipating

And the water crashes down hard pouring out frustration.

The confusion is so thick that I would need a sledge-hammer to break through

Stay…. Go…..

How long will I play back and forth with my infinite mind

And the consequences are severe.

Twisted angst, sleepless nights

stay….. go….

And you know with me there is no easy. It’s all the same, meet Miss Plain Jane.

Are you ready?

Am I ready?

Two totally different worlds…

Letting go of everything

I let him go today.

he has been the best and worst part of me for the past 8 years. All I have ever “felt” about love, I felt through him. I felt for him.

and I let him go today.

Stepping out in faith, in a way that is unfamiliar.

I want You to have ALL of me, Jesus. ALL of me. I don’t know how to heal, I don’t know how to change, I don’t know how to grow. BUT You have given me a helper. Your Spirit whom dwells with in me.

Help me trust you with ALL my heart, because I’m done leaning on my own understanding. I acknowledge You in ALL my ways, PLEASE Lord, make straight my ways…

I know you will use this, as you use ALL things for Your good, because I love you and I am called according to your purposes. Give me the strength Jesus, to keep walking through the darkness. I am nothing with out you. I give you my life, as a sacrifice. All I am, is nothing with out you.

I will wait for You!! As I stumble through my brokenness…

And I sit here, free. Because I let him go today, and instead I turned to You!

random thoughts on sin

I am convinced that we as a people, are the same fundamentally. Our “need” is the same, and our solution in the same. Jesus Christ, our Lord and savior. Through Him comes rebirth into true life. A life united with the Father. A life given as a gift through the sacrifice He made, having bared the holy wrath of God, justifiably for sin, not his own but ours, dying on a cross and being raised from the dead 3 days later by the will of the Father through the Holy Spirit. He offers us eternal life, forgiveness of our sins, He offers us redemption and He offers us true freedom from the bondage of sin and the bondage of this fallen world.

As I travel and continue to meet people from different cultures, I see how similar we all our. The hurts and pain. The disappointments of life and the emotional scars. Its all the same really. It is true, situations may differ, but the pain is the same. The pain is real. The pain is a product of our fallen world and of our sin. Depending on the culture, will determine how one deals with this pain. For us in the U.S. we turn to anti depressants and therapy, over analyzing and inwardly searching for an “answer” to the pain we feel. Yet dodging the real issue which is un-addressed sin and a false understanding of what it means to be a sinner and what it is to truly be saved by grace through faith ALONE in Jesus Christ. We live as though obedience is optional. We are taught to look inward, as oppose to outward to Christ. When looking inward doesn’t work, we try other things like, shopping, food, sex, porn, antidepressants, new age techniques, self help books, drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, work, working out, having babies, anger, pets, gossip, t.v. , traveling. We fight so hard against submission to God. We want Jesus, enough to make us “feel good” but we still want to control our lives. We still want to be the ones in “control.” Ironic, because we are perishing. We are slaves to sin while we claim to have a relationship with God. God says, we are either a slave to sin or a slave to righteousness.

Which one are you?

learning

I am sitting here, in Starbucks, delighted with some new opportunities I have been given recently to further my comprehension of basic worldly knowledge. My dear friend Wes shared with me a tool on i tunes that has gotten me super excited and curious. It is the program called i tunes U, U being University. This program is a FREE program offering various lectures from different professors on various topics. From History to Literature, a plethora of information. ITS SOOOO COOL!

I’m excited because I want to learn. I have a want to grow in my understanding of things, from language to history. I can study at my pace. Its neat t to be established in Jesus Christ, who gives me these desires and who pushes me to question and seek and learn.

This afternoon, as I was studying African American troops and World War II, I was interupted by an older gentlemen who is a regular customer here in Starbucks. Him and I began to talk, and man, was I blessed by his encouragement. He was telling me to study a little bit each day and over time, it will all come together. I was telling him how I never really cared to learn, or to pay attention in school and how there was a lot going on in my household as a child, that I never really learned how to learn. He spoke to me about overcoming where you come from.

I realized recently that I am a great hustler. I can fake almost anything. I can come off or present myself as being pretty “smart” or “knowledgeable” on things. This ability to act as a chameleon, was once useful in “protecting” myself and my heart, as I dealt with pretty hard circumstances all through out my childhood and young adult life. I mastered the law of flesh. I put up this front of being “cool” when the truth of, my lack of substance always hid in the shadows. I never really learned. I never really allowed the things I would claim changed me, to really change me. I stayed the same. Shallow and selfish.

Praise the Lord, He has a plan for me. He LOVES me so much in fact that He is not willing to let me stay the same. He is unwilling to allow me to stay in fake contentment. He desires for me to have a balance in Him on ALL things, my spirit, my mind, my physical and my emotional. Change is a beautiful thing.  Apart from Christ, I am not capable. BUT with Him as my anchor and my strength, He has started the process of smashing and breaking my old identity.  The identity I have held so tightly to my whole life, bipolar, uneducated, addicted, broken, unworthy, lazy, stupid, ignorant, shallow and unable.

I was brought back to a memory about 5 years ago. When I was dating Josh Wagman. For Christmas, all I wanted was a stocking. At that time I was talking about going to school, and he was trying to encourage me. I didn’t hear what he was saying because my identity was in being a failure. BUT I still was wanting to try. He got me a stocking, and inside the stocking were presents ALL pertaining to school!! A pencil sharpener, pens, a calculator, a ruler. His belief in me, meant the world. Although I was not ready at that time, as I was lacking maturity, I remember being so inspired.

Fast forward 5 years later, I am realizing I can do ALL things through Christ who strengthens me. Apart form Him, I can do nothing. BUT I am realizing in Him, I can do things like, LEARN!! He created me with a mind, to questions and test, NOT for ignorance and laziness.

This life is such a journey huh!! Thank goodness we have a life time to learn and a God who is so willing to teach us by the help of His holy Spirit and brothers and sisters He sends us!!

Carpe Diem!!

I am off to learn…..